Jesus Christ! All I can think is, “How do I follow in these footsteps?” I’ve deal with depression most of my life, at least since I was 9. And I feel all the ugh that you listed as being gone at the end — “pain, trauma, suffering, struggle, swings, heartache, cruelty, mediocrity, inconsistency, sadness, fear, anxiety, regret, spoiled chances, dreams left undreamed and deeds left undone.:” That’s where I am now. But I’m afraid of not having the same experience. What if my “trip” (seems an outmoded term now) goes the other way? What if demon faces come out of the wall and eat me alive? Yes, that’s the depression speaking.

I’ve also been on Lexapro for ages and it just keeps me from going into a hole, but it doesn’t make me undepressed. And my doctor also just suggested low dose Adderall.

AND as a child I had dreams where I flew up over land and into the cosmos and magical beings taught me how to regulate my flight with my emotions. I ventured into other realms, fell off cliffs and was reborn. I felt a constant spiritual life as a child. And, also as a child, I saw a place in my mind whether in my dreams or (I’m not sure now) waking life where I was flying over these giant fields of wild grass punctuated by GIANT old spreading maple trees, 200 or more feet in diameter and the leaves and branches and grass were all swaying in the wind and I was flying over them. And while I flew over I heard this sound that was like music but it was also all of the sounds of the universe playing at once, but in harmony, and it was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. And I’ve spent my life thinking that it would be all worth it if I could return to that place, see those trees and hear that music.

Now I have to look into this. Of course, the first thing I am going to do is google to make sure ketamine infusion is safe and carefully study all the instances when it went wrong…

Linguist, philosopher, lover of history, wordhound, 21 year New Yorker, searching for meaning in the universe

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store