The mindset that blames others for not finding one attractive has always astounded me. It is so foreign to my nature. If I like someone and find out they are not attracted to me I sometimes feel bad about myself, but I never turn it against the other person. I think that is because I know at my deepest core that I am not entitled to anyone else’s attraction or interest. I have never believed that someone “owes it to me” or that I somehow inherently deserve a specific person’s interest. Those are the only bases on which I can imagine feeling anger. You cannot be angry that something is being ‘withheld’ from you unless you fundamentally believe it is owed to you in some way.

And what makes this formula even more dangerous is that Incels are often socially awkward and not good at picking up on other people’s social signals. Then when they do not get the attention they believe they deserve they projection an interpretation onto that rejection that is not based in real data. I.e., without actually knowing anything about the woman and how she feels and what she thinks they invent their own home-grown reasons for her rejection of them, and these are always skewed to make her fit their most hateful stereotype.

That guy Rodgers was not a bad looking kid, but he had an off-putting way of interacting with other people. He went to parties and did not smile or greet people or try to make conversation. He would just go and stand in the middle of a room sort of glaring at everyone, and it gave them the creeps. Meanwhile he was thinking, “There’s nothing wrong with me so why are no women approaching me or talking to me?”

If we could identify more of these guys early on and give them both counseling and even some coaching in interpersonal interaction it would go a long way towards preventing these explosive personalities from boiling over and causing them to commit violent acts.

Linguist, philosopher, lover of history, wordhound, 21 year New Yorker, searching for meaning in the universe

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